It has been a cold, cold day. I don't mean a chilly cold...I mean a bone-chilling, raw, aching cold that cuts right to the core of my being. It's one of those colds that I feel chilled and never warm all day long. That cold just sets me in one of those moods. Just stay in bed! I don't want to be around myself, so I'm sure no one else will either. We had a two-hour delay, which would have been great had I not awakened at the same time - 5:45 AM. I tried to go back to sleep, but I kept having dreams I was awake. Have you ever had those dreams? I was probably sleeping, but my brain kept right on living like it was a normal day. I felt like crap pretty much all day. I walked around with my fake smile and my fake positive attitude. I just want to go HOME! Forget this day ever happened! I hate this!!! Then it happened. I wasn't expecting this at all. As a matter of fact, I was blind-sided by the whole thing. It could have been almost anything else, but not THIS. I was asked out into the hallway by a student and thought it was probably another boyfriend ordeal or chick fight brewing. Do I really need to deal with this today, God? I mean seriously, can I not just have a little break on a day like this?
"Mrs. McGee, you need to know something. ______'s dad died over the Christmas break. It was a sudden thing, no warning at all, and she is very upset. That was why she was absent yesterday. She just needs some time, so can she and I go to the bathroom and cry for a few minutes? I promise we won't be long."
I turned and looked at that orphan, and suddenly I melted into a blob of emotions. What do you say to a 15 year old that just lost her dad? I just hugged her and held her like she was my own child....Because she is. She is technically mine for 18 weeks, but each student becomes mine for a lifetime.
Now all I feel is hate! Yes HATE!!! I hate that I was on such a pity party today. I hate that I wasted a perfectly good day, because compared to my student, today was a great day. I hate that this young girl will now have to figure out how to go on living without her dad. I hate that I didn't know about it over Christmas so I could be with her during the funeral. I hate death!! Period! I hate the fact that death is a direct result of our sin, both thousands of years ago and now. We can't blame it totally on Adam and Eve. If not them, then somebody else.....maybe even me.
God, I am an idiot. I allow the dumbest things to set my mood and attitude for the day, and maybe longer....probably longer. Compared to so many, I live a life of luxury. God, forgive me for being such a big baby. If You never, ever blessed me again for the rest of my life, I have already received a million times more than I deserve. I still really, really hate death, but I know why it is inevitable, and I know that I am a reason for it. But all in all, I have the peace knowing that when death comes to me, I am with You. Forever. May I express this hope to my dear student so that she, too, can know that hope if she doesn't already. Thank you for warming me up on this cold day.
"Mrs. McGee, you need to know something. ______'s dad died over the Christmas break. It was a sudden thing, no warning at all, and she is very upset. That was why she was absent yesterday. She just needs some time, so can she and I go to the bathroom and cry for a few minutes? I promise we won't be long."
I turned and looked at that orphan, and suddenly I melted into a blob of emotions. What do you say to a 15 year old that just lost her dad? I just hugged her and held her like she was my own child....Because she is. She is technically mine for 18 weeks, but each student becomes mine for a lifetime.
Now all I feel is hate! Yes HATE!!! I hate that I was on such a pity party today. I hate that I wasted a perfectly good day, because compared to my student, today was a great day. I hate that this young girl will now have to figure out how to go on living without her dad. I hate that I didn't know about it over Christmas so I could be with her during the funeral. I hate death!! Period! I hate the fact that death is a direct result of our sin, both thousands of years ago and now. We can't blame it totally on Adam and Eve. If not them, then somebody else.....maybe even me.
God, I am an idiot. I allow the dumbest things to set my mood and attitude for the day, and maybe longer....probably longer. Compared to so many, I live a life of luxury. God, forgive me for being such a big baby. If You never, ever blessed me again for the rest of my life, I have already received a million times more than I deserve. I still really, really hate death, but I know why it is inevitable, and I know that I am a reason for it. But all in all, I have the peace knowing that when death comes to me, I am with You. Forever. May I express this hope to my dear student so that she, too, can know that hope if she doesn't already. Thank you for warming me up on this cold day.
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